Reporting Officer Profile

Officer: Jones, Colin

Status: Year 11 Student / Cŵn Annwn (Probationary)

Form: Cardigan Corgi (high-velocity)

Mood on arrival: Bored / “Why am I here?”

Mood on departure: Seething / Deeply offended by the laws of physics

Summary of Incident

The department responded to civilian reports of localised “minor chaos” attributed to a rogue Pwca.

Initial investigation established that several residents had been leaving food outside for the entity after somebody described it as “quite cute when it isn’t stealing anything”. This has now stopped.

The Pwca had progressed from standard low-level mischief to sustained nuisance activity, including swapping shoes between neighbouring houses, curdling milk out of spite, and relocating car keys into the pockets of coats that had not been worn since 2012.

Most notably, the entity managed to send a text message from a locked, face-down smartphone. The message consisted entirely of the aubergine emoji followed by a question mark.

The homeowner remains confused.

The department remains annoyed.

Initial Assessment

Officer Jones arrived on site and was instructed to initiate standard sniffing protocols.

Instead, Officer Jones spent four minutes attempting to adjust his departmental harness with his hind leg on the grounds that it “looked stupid”.

Once the Pwca manifested, it did not flee.

It interpreted Officer Jones’s presence as an invitation to play.

The entity immediately mounted the Officer’s back, pulled both ears and shouted, “Tag!” before vanishing.

This is a direct violation of Section 4 of the Spectral Engagement Act, which states that entities should ideally be intimidated by the Cŵn Annwn, not try to ride them.

Escalation and the Biscuit Incident

At 19:42, the Pwca attempted to bribe Officer Jones with a handful of biscuits.

Analysis subsequently confirmed that the biscuits were entirely hallucinatory.

Officer Jones, whose mother has expressly forbidden him from accepting snacks from supernatural strangers, interpreted this as a personal insult to both his intelligence and his professional standing.

A pursuit followed.

The Pwca demonstrated a selective approach to gravity, leading Officer Jones through three fences and one kitchen wall.

Officer Jones, maintaining his commitment to “not getting grounded”, used the front door like a civilised being.

Resolution

Officer Jones eventually cornered the Pwca behind a recycling bin.

According to body-camera footage, the following exchange occurred:

The Pwca, apparently satisfied that it had ruined a teenager’s evening, vanished voluntarily.

Aftereffects

The subject left behind a message in moving chalk script:

“Thanks for the ride. Tell the short one he needs more cardio.”

Officer Jones subsequently returned to human form and spent approximately two hours in the break room with his hoodie pulled tight around his face.

He declined to speak to anyone known to have witnessed the “Tag” incident.

Recommendations

Do Not Feed: This includes actual food, imaginary food, enchanted biscuits and “just a little bit because it looked hungry”. Feeding encourages repeat visits.

Do Not Say Its Name Near Cupboards: Testing indicates a 40% probability that the Pwca will hide somebody’s favourite mug.

Secure Personal Electronics: This will probably achieve nothing, but Information Governance insists we keep writing it down.

Staff Support: Please refrain from mentioning “Tag”, “biscuits” or “cardio” to Officer Jones for the next 48 hours.

Public Information: Residents are reminded that unusual wildlife should not be fed merely because it has large eyes, excellent comic timing or appears capable of understanding the phrase “just one biscuit”.

Handler Notes

Colin has declared himself officially “done with this job”.

He maintains that the Pwca failed to respect his authority as a terrifying harbinger of death and has requested that future assignments permit him to shift into something “cooler, like a wolf or a Doberman”.

Filed by: Personnel and Spectral Affairs, Morale Division