Purpose of This Circular

Following a routine review of recent incidents, Human Resources is issuing updated guidance in the interests of morale, safety and basic cause and effect.

Staff are no longer permitted to say any of the following while on duty:

• “Quiet shift.”
• “Quiet night.”
• “Nothing’s happened yet.”
• “Should be an easy one.”

These phrases are not neutral observations. They are triggers.

Evidence Base

Analysis of Department incident logs shows a consistent pattern.

Within minutes to hours of one of the prohibited phrases being spoken, staff have experienced at least one of the following:

• A werewolf incident involving paperwork damage.
• An unscheduled aquatic manifestation with opinions.
• A prophecy audit initiated without warning or biscuits.
• A previously dormant object developing procedural concerns.
• Something in Records beginning to glow.

Human Resources wishes to emphasise that this is not superstition.

It is documented behaviour.

Case Reference | Ellis, Gareth

During his first month of field-adjacent work, Gareth Ellis remarked at 09:12 that it was “looking like a quiet morning”.

At 09:17, a juvenile Cŵn Annwn manifested without authorisation.

By 09:43, Mr Ellis was glowing faintly and attempting to staple Form 12B to a clipboard that did not exist.

The situation stabilised at 15:58.

Mr Ellis then spent a further six hours completing corrective documentation, including one incident report written entirely by hand because the printer refused to acknowledge him.

This outcome is considered mild.

Approved Alternatives

The Department recognises that staff occasionally feel compelled to comment on how a shift is progressing.

This impulse should ideally be resisted.

Where silence is impractical, the following phrases are currently approved:

• “I have no strong expectations either way.”
• “We are adequately staffed for now.”
• “I will not comment on the state of the shift.”
• “Conditions remain within whatever currently passes for normal.”
• “Nothing requires my opinion at this time.”

Staff are advised to avoid adding phrases such as “touch wood”, “fingers crossed” or “what could possibly go wrong”.

The Department has no evidence that these make matters safer.

It has quite a lot of evidence to the contrary.

Additional Prohibited Language

The phrase “it can’t get worse” is also prohibited.

Human Resources is surprised this requires a separate section.

The following variations are likewise unacceptable:

• “At least the worst is over.”
• “We’ve dealt with everything now.”
• “What else could happen?”
• “It’s only paperwork.”

Any member of staff heard using the final example may be reassigned to Records until they understand what they have done.

Morale Guidance

The Department understands that phrases of this kind are often used as a coping mechanism.

This is acknowledged.

Morale is better supported by tea, biscuits, structured denial and refraining from drawing the universe’s attention to an absence of catastrophe.

Managers are encouraged to model appropriate language.

Interns are encouraged to say nothing.

Field Liaison Comment

Quill, Field Liaison: I dispute the statistical framing of this memo. Correlation is not causation. However, every time somebody says “quiet shift”, something breaks, bites, sings or starts glowing. I therefore support this measure on practical grounds.

Implementation

This guidance takes effect immediately.

No additional training is required.

If you are uncertain whether a phrase is safe to say aloud, do not test it.

Filed by: Human Resources, Personnel and Spectral Affairs