Purpose of This Memorandum

This document applies to all staff, contractors, interns, revenants and anyone who has accidentally been given a departmental lanyard.

It replaces previous conduct guidance following several incidents, one grievance and an unsuccessful attempt to expense a cursed pasty.

The Morrigan Department is managed by goddesses.

If you refer to them as middle management, you will be corrected.

The correction will be memorable.

Current leadership operates as a triad:

• Rhiannon: Sovereignty and Endurance.
• Modron: Restoration and Returns.
• Ceridwen: Alchemy and Transformation.

Ceridwen is currently on sabbatical.

This is why her cauldron is bubbling without supervision.

1. Start Times

Your shift begins at 09:00 or when you stop being dead, whichever happens first.

If you arrive late, sign the Late Arrival Ledger and provide a reason that can be independently verified by a hound.

“Time moved differently where I was” will be considered on a case-by-case basis.

2. Dress Code

Smart casual remains the departmental standard.

Smart means shoes.

Casual means you can run if the corridor starts whispering.

Do not wear iron.

Do not carry loose salt in your pockets unless your role specifically requires it.

Any employee arriving in a shirt bearing the words I Survived Annwn will be returned to Annwn so that the statement can be independently verified.

Colin: this paragraph remains directed at you.

Annwn gift-shop merchandise may not be purchased during working hours.

3. Chain of Command

If Rhiannon gives you an instruction, follow it.

If Modron gives you an instruction, follow it and accept the biscuit.

If Ceridwen gives you an instruction while she is officially on sabbatical, write down the instruction and immediately report where she is.

4. Working From Home

Working from home is permitted provided your home is currently located on this plane of existence.

Employees resident in Annwn must obtain a return pass from Border Control.

If you open a thin place in your kitchen, you are responsible for both the paperwork and the mop.

If your hallway becomes longer than your building, stop walking and raise a ticket.

Current estimated response time: approximately 75 years.

5. Email and Departmental Chat

Use clear subject lines.

Do not reply all to prophecy.

Do not attach souls as PDFs.

If Quill sends a message in haiku, treat it as a formal instruction and do not ask why.

6. Meetings

Meetings begin on time and should, where physically possible, end on time.

If the room temperature drops by two degrees, do not ask, “Is anyone else cold?”

This invites an audit.

If somebody enters in perfect silence and everyone in the room stops breathing, this is not a team-building exercise.

Sit up straight.

Stop chewing.

7. Performance Reviews

Performance targets include accuracy, speed and avoiding the creation of entirely new categories of disaster.

If your work results in a new category of disaster, you may be promoted and reassigned to Strategic Catastrophes.

This is not a reward. Do not aim for it.

8. Annual Leave

Annual leave is encouraged.

It reduces the likelihood of staff becoming brittle, argumentative or involved in multigenerational feuds.

Requests should normally be submitted at least fourteen days in advance.

Employees requesting leave during a full moon must state whether they expect to be howling and whether they require a private room.

This is scheduling, not judgement.

9. Overtime

Overtime requires approval from a supervisor, a hound and common sense.

If you stay late, log the additional hours.

If you stay late because the lift ate your colleague, log the colleague as well.

10. Expenses

Allowable expenses include reasonable travel, basic meals and replacement stationery.

The following are not allowable:

• Bribes.
• Offerings.
• “Emotional damages”.
• Biscuits consumed before the receipt was submitted.
• Cursed pasties purchased for personal use.

If your receipt is on fire, allow it to finish burning before handling it.

Submit the ashes in an envelope marked STILL COUNTS.

11. Health and Safety

Do not run in corridors.

Do not chase hounds in corridors.

If you encounter a wet-floor sign older than you are, leave it alone.

It is doing its job.

Report chanting from photocopiers to Maintenance.

Do not attempt repairs yourself.

Maintenance tried once and still flinches at toner.

12. Data Protection

Do not discuss active cases in public.

Do not leave files on trains.

Do not store sensitive information on sticky notes.

If circumstances absolutely require a sticky note, write it in Welsh and then swallow it.

This remains official guidance despite repeated objections from Information Governance.

13. The Hounds Are Not Pets

The Cŵn Annwn are departmental enforcers, retrieval personnel and, on occasion, a morale problem.

They are not pets.

Do not call them good boys.

Do not attempt to stroke them without consent.

Do not throw a ball “just to see”.

A hound will interpret the ball as an assignment and hold you personally responsible for whatever happens next.

If a hound files a grievance, take it seriously.

They understand the process.

They have signatures.

They have witnesses.

They also hold grudges.

Employees who offend a hound may find their forms damp for a week, their stapler missing and their name added to a list maintained in teeth.

When working alongside a juvenile hound, remember:

• Food: trigger.
• Paper: temptation.
• Vinegar: emergency.

14. Conduct and Respect

Treat colleagues with basic decency, regardless of mortality status, species, departmental rank or current degree of corporeality.

Do not threaten colleagues with prophecy.

Do not flirt by offering immortality.

Do not call Modron “mum” unless she has offered you a biscuit first.

Harassment complaints will be dealt with promptly and may involve paperwork that bites back.

15. Whistleblowing

If you believe the Department is behaving illegally, unethically or in a manner likely to become deeply embarrassing, report it.

Use the appropriate form.

Do not carve the complaint into the break-room table.

The table remembers.

Attached Form | HR 12C

Acknowledgement of Rules and Personal Liability

Name: ______________________________

Department: _________________________

Living status:

☐ Alive
☐ Dead
☐ Not sure

I confirm that I have read the rules.

I confirm that I will not treat the hounds as pets.

I confirm that if a hound files a grievance against me, I will not argue about formatting.

Signature: __________________________

Date: _______________________________

Filed by: Quill, Field Liaison